These Streets is a short film made by Ruaraidh at the BBC, White City.
These streets will take your brother
Worry your mother
Make you batter one another.
These streets will trip you up – “That was funny by the way!”
Serve you up a beautiful chippy
Walk you to the bookies for the national in a hurry.
These streets will make you rich
Sow you up with a staple stitch
Sell you a shan deal fae Wee Titch.
These streets will take your heart
Make you suffer for your art
See lonely husbands cruising for a tart.
These streets will feed a fox
Leave a sleeping baby in a box
Find a way to screw your house through one of
your back window locks.
These streets in the light of day
Will help your old find their way
Come the dark of night
Leave your young drinking on that park bench with their pals
talking and remaining tight.
These streets will work you hard
Give you everything on a credit card
Then refuse your entry cause now “…you’re barred!”
These streets will lie in snow for a white Christmas at last
Sell your last Big Issue while making a start from the past
As the rich of the city go home to listen to
Katie Melua full blast.
These streets will nick you 10 million or whatever bicycles
Make pretty icicles
Leave the post op transsexual definitely not wanting her testicles.
These streets will see you crawl, Walk and then limp with a stick
These streets are a helping hand or a pool of sick
It’s how these streets are swept that makes them tick.
Ruaraidh Murray 15.01.2007
Auld Reekie’s finest
HP Sauce? No thanks your highness
35p bag of chips, loads and loads of sauce please
That unique combination
Sauce cascades through the bag with ease
For the only chips in the nation
Chip after chip they slip
The taste that envelopes your senses
Right to the very tip
The best bit at the bottom of the bag
Even the stuck brown paper tastes barry too
This ain’t no new fad
It’s chippy sauce from an old bottle of brew!
Ruaraidh Murray 01.18.2000
This Girl Must Be A Bus Driver
I just missed her
Like I used to miss the No. 35
That bus driver saw me coming
Aye you, it was me in your fucking mirror
Do you like me chasing you
Me the stupid fool
Running – the whole street had a private view
I don’t care about any rule
“I can’t stop just for you”
“Anything past the stop, the doors pull to”
Fuck off bus, think I’m daft
I’ll sail down the river on my own fucking raft.
Ruaraidh Murray 10.08.99
The Tranny Under Milk Wood Green
There’s a tranny on the tube
That’s got to be a fake boob
She’s under everyone’s stare
The Keith Richards hair
Mascara runs from the sad eyes
Surrounded by Italian conversational cries
Red coat and a scarf of silk
Black tights and a pint of milk
Big hands buckle
Under every knuckle
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
The old proverb told her
Some sit and stare
Some ignore her sullen glare
Is her’s now a hairy Mary
Or is her John still a Thomas on a promise
There’s stubble on the chin
After a night on the gin
A dude at the end rolls a joint
No one sticks out a finger to point
My heart sits here feeling sorry and broken for itself on the Underground
Her’s is just the same as mine and yours rockin’ in the lost and found
She gets off at Wood Green
Without a scene
Scampering surprisingly femininely light
Out of sight and into the night.
Ruaraidh Murray 15.01.2008
I was hanging out on the washing line
Minding my own business just doing fine
I’m a pair of foxy knickers
and I certainly don’t smell of kippers
No I’m fresh as a daisy
And the girl that wears me,
She drives me crazy
The jeans? They don’t get a fucking look in
I’m the one who was cooking
So anyway, it was my bra, she saw him coming
Perve from the bushes
Big jacket and no excuses
There I was dangling in the sun
Come evening I would have been dancing round Ally’s bum.
It was no hand of God I’ll tell you that
It was straight in his pocket and out the back
I tried to work out where I was going
Like in the movies but I was toing and froing
The next thing I know he’s got me in his bottom drawer
To join a pair of frillies
and a leopard skin thong that gives me the willies
The acquaintance wasn’t long
Perves hand came and it was his head I found myself on
Watching porn till dawn
Then back to the drawer
To my new friends who still remember the war.
It was the jeans and my bra
She was just jealous didn’t want me too stay
And to the jeans I was just getting in the way
They could have covered me in the breeze
But the jeans deliberately had to sneeze
I’m the perves most lucrative steal
And there I had to say goodbye to Ally McBeal
To a life time of sniff and feel.
Ruaraidh Murray 15.03.2000
Am I crazy or am I mad
Does this stop when I become a dad
Loop the loop
Face in hands, hands in face
Piece from the pieces
Madness of moments
It’s me I see
Standing from a far
But from where I’m standing
I’m on the bottom landing
I know I’ve got it up top
But sometimes it seems to drop
“Keep your guard up”
But it’s the left and the rights
From ma shadow
That I’ve got to box
Will I get there
In one piece
Skin of ma teeth, for a bit of peace?
Ruaraidh Murray 15.03.2000
The Spanish Inquisition
About this bull
Hey I’m talking to you
You the high shouldered fool
You raised aloft-
To a standing ovation
It, raised to the ground-
With speared celebration
Aye I’m talking about old Toro
Blood and guts, horns an all
He just said goodbye to tomorrow
Wee boat in a cruel sea
It’s a he, like you and me.
I’m sitting in this bar
Wall to wall like a wall flower
They sit from afar
Mobile, cigar “yeah, yeah, great”
It was a bullshead
But now it’s too late
What a stare you horse
Bring back the bull
It doesn’t talk in morse
Moo you coo
£5.50 Bloody Mary, I’m off to the loo.
Spanish for the Bar
Una cervasa por favour
That’s all you need to know
Until you want more.
Ruaraidh Murray 19.04.99
It was the young lad you grew up with you still loved
The shadow before me now on the street still moved
But only for his master
That cut you cannae fix with a plaster
Oh why did you have to go and die
But then you as a shadow still made me cry
Inside – that’s where they got you like all the others,
The living dead
You made your arm bed
Yours not inviting
Cold sheets, dodging lighting
“It’s cool, I’m only chasing now bro”
But you’re still rattling all the same though
My helping hand stays in it’s sky rocket
As I cry and cross the street
From that place as young lads we used to meet.
Ruaraidh Murray 20.02.05
I run down to the skinny bridge on my birthday
I speed up to make sure no cunt over takes me
As I start to cross over the cloudy water I’m blinded by the sunlight
You appear bounding along next to me in all your youthful might
Calling out my old nick name
Showing off, making me laugh again
But I know it’s your ghost that’s really there
When the pretty girls don’t stop to stare
We run past the rest of your new gang: the lost boys
They joke and shout but empty shells can’t make any real noise
I stop half way and see your old dreams sail down stream
I hide my tears from passers by in the sun’s direct beam
You and your knowing ‘boat race’, race on by
The pretty girls miss the bad boy making them sigh
Me and my 39 years carry on back home to bide
As you wait across the bridge with time always on your side.
Ruaraidh Murray 18.09.14
The Cap and the Long Coat,
A bottle of kids booze each in hand,
Cap sucks on smoke as Long coat scans perilously for a good dry dog end
The rain spits on the endangered cobbled street
As the two uninvited guests’ night has stumbled in to disregarded sleep.
Their grey matter is as muddled as the oil in the grey puddle is fuddled.
Where have they come from? Where do they go?
I wonder if they’ve been listening to ‘Cotton Eye Joe’?
Two lonely cut figures are friends in the drink.
These streets don’t care as long as they walk on
Walk on with not a hope but in hell
Each cobble blinks, having seen it all
Every stumble trip and fall.
The Cap and the Long Coat – Ginger and Fred.
Rain twinkles on the roof tops above, as they smoulder softly forward,
toe to toe, down below,
And dance round the corner
Washed out and waved on their way.
The zombie cobbles huddle
As the oil inevitably reforms in the puddle.
Ruaraidh Murray 13.12.2007
The Party That Never Ended
The party that never ended was one long line
The party that never ended was happy hour all the time
At the party that never ended you smoked one continuous cigarette
At the party that never ended the chips were never out on the the money you bet
The party that never ended had all your friends there
At the party that never ended all the girls would stare.
Sex was on tap
Beer was free
Coke was offered from a hand under the table next to your knee.
Punches were thrown in a far away fight
Your friends were the nutter’s
Theirs didn’t get in that night.
The devil was there dressed in drag
Getting off with some girl snorting coke by the bag
Bags were not nicked and pockets not pinched
At the party that never ended
Where the record never stopped
Was it broken, I cannot recollect
I was licking some girl while she was sucking some cock.
Champagne fizzed while candlelight danced
The party that never ended was a game of chance.
‘They were nice breasts’, was what I thought,
As my mates new bird was introduced,
She hugged my pressed upped muscles in my new top,
A semi-hard erection, in my pants, her effect produced.
He returned to working back behind the bar,
As another mate bragged about his new car.
I steered the conversation to my party piece, And after that the breasts retorted that they wanted to dance to some song from Grease.
I obliged, complied, accompanied, strutting my stuff and so we declared it a tie,
returning to toast our celebrity dance moves with double sambuca’s from my mate behind the bar and his winking eye.
I fancied her like fuck,
but mates are mates and rules are rules.
But then we went for a line in the girls’ loo
and she sucked my cock while I admired ladies graffiti,
Something I thought they didn’t do.
She went first, back up the stairs,
I waited a minute and walked out to other girls’ stares and stupid smiles.
No morals, no cares,
At the party that never ended.
Weekends back to back,
Like the beer in the lit fridges were stacked.
The weekdays like the spirits just blended into one.
Here is where the party ended and so did the fun.
The problem started when I took my seat back upstairs.
And there where the breasts had been displayed next to me,
Was sat my old pal Danny in his entirety.
The problem being Danny had been dead for years,
And the daggers in his eyes were sorely felt,
As if it was that day over his body I wish I could have knelt and helped.
See Danny died on his own with no goodbyes.
And as the party that never ended went into its finale right there and then,
Break dancing was not on Danny’s agenda,
Just breaking me in kind and fucking with my mind.
Dannyy laughed his head off as the others looked at me in disgust,
The breasts went to the bar,
Tears traded sambuca,
My mate shot over the surface,
Smacked me in the pus.
I wasn’t getting far,
Danny joined in for a while,
The dancing queens laid in.
The bouncers forgot my name,
Went to check the toilets again,
The glass collector, got shit tips, so he put his ha’penny’s worth, in,
With a toe poke straight to the chin.
The D.J upped the tempo with ‘Jump Around’,
Now I was being beaten up to a song I didn’t even like, well maybe just for one week,
And as ‘the party that never ended’s’ finale came to its peak,
Danny stood on the bar,
Toasting my other mate who was still going on about his new fucking car.
See Danny knew it was too late all those years ago.
And I only recognised the childhood friend in the junkies shadow.
But it was Danny as a kid that now stood on the bar.
Doing cartwheels and laughing at all the grown up drunks.
He played with the candle wax and smashed the flutes.
We were just naughty boys and had used anything for toys.
Danny had just come round to play,
But I hadn’t been in that particular day.
Wasn’t there to save him from that weirdo in the park.
And from then on Danny only played after dark.
And after the party had finished,
The glass collector swept up the fag ends and broken glass,
And the bouncers persuaded the last table to drink up and pass,
Danny offered out his wee paw and helped me up.
I was cut and bruised, crying inside,
As Danny led me from the party that had ended,
And we walked together as pals to say goodbye outside.
Ruaraidh Murray 15.01.2007
Open All Hours
My heart is a punch bag
In the past, it’s been bruised but not battered
My heart is a window
Been cracked but not shattered
My heart is a bed
Tired but made
Flickering but not pissed on
Rolling on, not to return
A torn tennis ball
Thrown away but still wanting to be caught
Panting close to the rail
Old Kent Road or Mayfair
But nothing in between
A tree falling into
A dammed river pushing
The last sand bag to burst
The Yellow Brick Road
With no Dorothy
The earphone that’s not broken
Playing your favourite song
A boat with no sail
But this one still makes ripples
The tongue that wants to lick those beautiful small breasts
With stiff nipples
Sick on the floor
When it should be in the pail
That’s still understood
An inmate on the run
From 10 years in the jail
Without a door
‘This Old Heart of Mine’ is not perfect
But it beats hard for you.
Ruaraidh Murray 07.09.2014
The Weight Lifter
I can still smell you on my body
Taste you in my mouth
I see you laughing on my bed
But now it’s just your stray hairs on my pillow
Your long dark strands
Have found their way under my scarred skin
I lift weights to make you gone from my head
But I still see you through the letter box, naked in the hallway
My stomach flutters
My mouth mumbles
So I lift weights again and sweat
Trying not to think about this girl that likes to bet
What does it matter
Pancakes are just made out of batter
Sweat from me
Sweat from you
Me in you
As you cry out
I’ll lift weights
Until I can lift you again
Me an’ the bed bugs
Will bum about night after night
In the Wee Small Hours
We’ll be alright
Your smell on my body
Your taste in my mouth
Your name on my lips
Your grip on my heart.
Ruaraidh Murray 12.09.14
Standing in the Bath
Standing in the bath
We look and laugh
Umbrella’d by the shower
We stroke each other in our naked tower
Down in the puddle below
Our feet pal about, talking toe to toe
Black make up run’s down your face
Now your real eyes look up making my heart race
Green is the colour behind the drops on each eyelash
Warm like this rain that falls over our secret stash
Bright as air traffic control light
Bringing me home like a plane in the night
You’re locked into my frame
Like a hunter holding his game
Your body pressed up against mine
We’re lost and found in this moment of time
The shower drops hover like bee’s
The clock’s hands stop and rest on it’s knees
Through the warm rain our hot lips kiss hard together
As our feet, way down below, continue to laugh and blether.
Ruaraidh Murray 14.09.14
Message in a Bottle
There’s an ocean that separates us two
So I sent out a message in a bottle just for you
It had contained whiskey but that ran dry a lifetime ago
Made of clear glass with only the Scottish ingredients left to show
It’s been bobbing about across the Atlantic
Listened to waltz music still being played on the Titanic
This bottle’s fought pirates, polar bears, sharks and won.
Made friends with migrating sardines by the ton
At night, all alone, it’s watched the Moon, the stars, Jupiter and Mars
Dreamed it was a car, an aeroplane and stuck back behind a bar
It’s been out there looking for you for some time
How did you manage to catch a hold of it without a fishing line?
Pull out the cork, roll open the note
This has been worth the float
If you can’t read my hand writing definitely don’t worry
Put your ear to the bottle…”Do you accept this collect call from a Mister Murray?”
Ruaraidh Murray 20.09.14
Dancing in the Dark with the Lights On
I wake next to you hard and thick
You back your ass up against my brick
Your eyes stay shut as we talk in whispers out front
I lick my fingers and stroke your beautiful cunt
I force myself into your pink lips with my hot tip
As you start to get wet and I start to slip
Whoever said this was a sin?
We hold on to each other with all our might
And you grip around my size without a fight
You feel me running in river deep
My heart swoops up my skyscraper steep
I pull right back ever so slowly to your clit
Before plunging back in until you make it all fit
We turn above
On the ‘Sea of Love’
Slide back together, now I’m on top
Pantin, lickin, talkin dirty with out a full stop
You spread your legs and feet
I hold you tight, we feel our hearts beat
Back and forth, left and right, up and down
Two wild animals escaped from the zoo now going to town
We take in each others primal smell and bite
These are the laws of attraction so now we fight
Forever fucking, fast and hard
If we were boxers we’ve dropped our guard
We slow down becoming soft and tender
Then off we go again, this train with no ‘Return to Sender’
Dick suck come tongue spit
Lick ass look taste clit
Moan pant grip pull hair
Slip drag scratch touch swear
You come shuddering to me deep from inside
I pull out and come in your mouth like high tide
Panting in the morning light
Panting at each others sight
We wipe down and breathe slow
And stretch out together in our new found glow.
Ruaraidh Murray 26.08.14
The dawn light woke up the clown
Upon his face he had a frown
He rolled out of bed and got to his feet
But the frown stayed even though the birds did tweet
So he looked in his big long shoes
He looked in his box of old reviews
He pulled open the wardrobe door
But all he could hear was the mice snore
He looked in the mirror seeing the frown stare right back
He put on his big red nose but still felt a sad sack
He told himself his oldest, silliest and most funniest joke
About the man with the big dick, high pitch voice, an awfully poor bloke
The punch line fell on the clown’s ‘deaf ears’
Even though he had been telling it to others for years
He carried on his search with haste
Through drawers of socks, pants and head bands of bad taste
He looked underneath his big old double bed
The spiders told him to check inside the books he’d already read
But when he was just about to give up hope and forever frown
There on the wall he saw the note from this lady clown
And even though he missed clowning about with her oh so terribly much
His frown disappeared with the thought of her funny bone touch
And so he found his laugh
And thought about their next bath.
Ruaraidh Murray 03.10.14
Deep Sea Diver
I hold this line and I think of you
When I think I’m out of words my heart comes up with something new
But I’m sinking deeper in this sea
Even though we’re far away you and me
I wasn’t expecting such a far fall
All because of this girl just over five feet tall
I picture her great beauty from top to toe
I undress her in my dirty mind and always very slow
I tell my heart I want to hold and taste the real thing
I want to kidnap her away for a Highland fling
Sometimes I think I see her walking down a busy London street
And as my heart jumps forward I realise it’s not her and so make a forlorn retreat
But when I’m all alone in my ‘haunted house’ on Merlin Street at night
Just the thought of her wise cracks makes me laugh out loud giving the ghosts a fright
I sit watching twilight TV in the blue light
I flick through the 1001 channels but nothing takes a bite
Then the green Whatsapp sign suddenly flashes on my phone
My heart jumps forward again all on it’s own
I want to jump down the phone screen and chase my reply
Follow it all the way past the satellites up in the sky
I switch off the TV, go through and lie on my bed,
Put my ‘an die musik’ on and listen to Springsteen instead
‘Put your make-up on, fix your hair up pretty
And meet me tonight in Atlantic City.’
Ruaraidh Murray 27.10.2014
“And the boys of the NYPD choir were singing Galway Bay…”
But I just said goodbye to her under the palm trees of LA
The sun shone hot in the land on the Mojave
Now I return to the land of the eternally cold porcelain lavy
I lie here alone somewhere in the middle of this silent night
My heart beats to the thought of us dancing around in my minds neon flashing light
I don’t want to count sheep as Santa takes a break at the end of my bed cigarette in hand
And Rudolf bums a smoke off him professing he’s forgotten his preferred Camel brand
But as they debate whether to fly home blind or use the Sat Nav to return to the North Pole
I call out “keep it down you two…I want to dream about the lady clown I love …Lucie Pohl.”
To LP Merry Christmas
Ruaraidh Murray 25.12.14
I sit here alone listening to Sammy Davis Jnr sing low in this late night dive bar
All the rest have gone home by tube, black taxi or smallish British wonky car
I hold on to this glass of melted ice and lemon with my tickling hand
You walk down the sidewalk past local bums and yellow cabs as old skyscrapers talk to one another as they stand
Mr Bojangles plays here one last time on the Wurlitzer Jukebox
Do you know I accidentally now own a pair of your short white socks?
How I wish you could wear me like a pair of big clown shoes on your feet
Make me all sweaty and I’d still lick in between where your royal toes meet
The bar staff stack the chairs as Sammy sings “…it’s one for my baby and one for the road”
And so we continue our intergalactic dalliance and communicate heart beats through our own Morse Code
The bar is now closed but the road ahead is wide open to new nomadic land
I can actually fit your white socks on my tickling and my steady hand
As you drive I steady the wheel
Sat side by side a kiss we steal
Sometime when I drive I glance over to catch you softly asleep
Making me buzz like a beehive…your honey has got me in deep
You wake up with that smile as we look eye to eye
The sun dips once again from the otherworldly sky
I keep your knickers still where you left them in my pocket just like one of those gold lockets
Do you want to be a pyromaniac like me, build big bonfires and set off a bunch of bottle rockets?
Ruaraidh Murray 04.01.15
Yesterdays newspapers are scrunched up into balls of tumbleweed
Pieces of wood are scattered on top lookin like where a one-horse town once stood
The woodsman’s rough edged hands steadily light the lucky match
It’s drawn to touching the paper, the pyromaniac scratching that old itch
The first small flame on a tumbleweed of Daily Record appears
The same flame that mankind made in his Fred Flintstone years
The match hops along to touch the front page of a rolled up Times
A second flame rises from Sunday’s forgotten headlines
The Woodsman closes the stove’s small front door
Leaving the two flames to say hello to one another before they roar
Dancing in and out of the tumbleweed toe to toe they go
Now pushing and pulling they start to fight, down and dirty and slow
These two flames, like attracting like, now scratching and a biting become one
It’s a blazing cowboy brawl as they raise hell through this smoking one horse town
A wandering mexican band trott on to set striking up and playing faster
But it’s too late to move from impending sizzling sombrero disaster
The old Woodsman puts on some fuel shutting the stove door tight
Leaving the twin flames to burn in their ring of fire from day into night
So as the bed of golden embers settle safe from harm
The two naked flames lie down in each others arms
And just in case you were wondering if they’ll be back again in the morning
The old Woodsman shuffles through to the stove with his coffee and matches yawning.
Ruaraidh Murray 23.01.15
Deep Space Valentine
My love for you is as deep as space and time
As constant as the Viking’s North Star
As lucky as the lost sock that’s found it’s match in machine No.9
As wild as a wolf on the plains of Nebraska howling off far
Your name is never far from being mouthed on my lips
I hunger for your taste, your sweat and smell
Your beauty pounds my blood from my heart to my rough finger tips
I’m here to hunt you down and make a wish in your well
Your panther-like slender shoulders I hold down but handle with care
Your peach and your pear are more beautiful than any Californian sun
My Snow White with deep space black hair
Your green eyes have had me from day one.
Ruaraidh Murray 14.02.15
I wait here ‘In the Midnight Hour’, like Wilson Picket, and try to write something romantic…
Do you know it’s 3465 miles from you to me across the Atlantic?
This morning I lay here sweaty and hot on the stone cold floor after dodging the tourists on my Thames River run
The neighbours heard me laughing like a looney but I was thinking of you sitting on my chest, poking fun
Now as I lie here in bed after dark, your ghost lies naked on top
Your ‘stop traffic’ stare has me pined down, my boxer shorts I pull off and drop
Your ghost passes me the picture of you naked under the covers in your hot house bed
I feel myself hard and your ghost empties my pencil full of lead
Your ghost then vanishes into thin air
I’m left lying here like an inquisitive grizzly bear
I want to hunt for your honey to ease my hunger pains
I can smell you inside of me, feel you running through my veins
Blood Type LLP
Transfusion for MR RA Murray
My heart is your basket ball with you scoring the three points winner in overtime
All the way from the New York Nets 3465 line
I can’t wait to hold you 3465 metres later, pull you under the covers, be like the Twits talking ‘Roald Dahl’ romantic
And tell you just how far you’ve come from in metres across the Aurora Borealis and the Atlantic.
Ruaraidh Murray 23.03.15
Would you like to go to Mars with me
And see what Earth looks like in 2023
We can take lots of coffee and teacakes
And pitch a tent up there on the dry lakes
There will be no cable TV
But I know a great game that involves pee
We can holiday on Jupiter in June
They say it has better weather than the Moon
We’ll return to work on Mars two weeks later
To write a sit-com set in a crater
It will star a German, Romanian
Who bites like a Transilvanian
And a Scottish caveman
Who desperately needs a sun tan
Would you like to go to Mars with me
I promise you’ll laugh till you’re 103.
Ruaraidh Murray 07.05.15
The Last Picture House In Nebraska
Your voice comes to me as my head hits the pillow
I laugh as I hear you say “…sleep well Pussy Willow”.
I fall deep down into a dream and find myself sitting in a cinema
And there you are next to me in the last picture house in Nebraska
We have the whole place to ourselves till dawn
With a movie list to go through from heaven
Preston Sturges works the projector
As the Marx Brothers serve us popcorn ‘n Nutella
We start with Disney and then move on to Peter Sellers’ Pink Panther
I suggest Pryor ‘n Wilder’s Stir Crazy and you top it with Murphy ‘n Martin’s Bowfinger
We agree to brave a scary thriller double bill
Sigorney Weaver fights Aliens as Dr Hannibal Lector helps uncover Wild Bill
By now the Marx Brothers are snoring loudly in the back seats
So we tie all their shoe laces together and helps ourselves to more treats
Preston cue’s up The Great McGinty as the final movie of the night
But for once you’re falling asleep first as the sun outside starts to get bright
I carry you up to the upper circle where we have a hammock for two
Naked we embrace as our own cinema movie turns blue
Then your voice comes to me and I wake raising my head from the pillow
And I laugh as I hear you say “Mornin Pussy Willow”.
Ruaraidh Murray 24.06.15
Blood Moon Magic II
The BBC weatherman says there’s a Blood Moon on its way
And there’s not gonna be another for 20 years to the day
Hey Mr Weatherman, I have a Blood Moon of my own
Tonight I’m afraid I pissed her off long distance on the phone
I honestly didn’t mean for it to happen like that
Like Dracula hates to turn back into the bat
See just the other week we were happy swimming in the ocean
Now all I want to do is get drunk on her sweet potion
I long to get lost with her again on that hilltop village where it’s hot
Mr Weatherman do you know my Blood Moon will be my last dying thought
She’s more beautiful than any pink sunset you’ll ever forecast on TV
My Blood Moon is a girl called Lucie who’s from near Transylvania you see
If tonights the night, I can’t wait 20 years let alone another day
Mr Weatherman tell my Blood Moon Count Von Murrayhausen is on his way.
Ruaraidh Murray 28.09.15
Have you ever heard the Monster Mash?
They say it was a graveyard smash
It was playing in the store as I talked to the Halloween pumpkins the other day
I asked if they’d seen a certain Pohltergeist pass their way
I then talked to the witches black cat in my best feline French
But he replied, “Non monsieur Murray” while smoking a Gauloises on the park bench
The song continued as I searched the graveyard bumping into an Egyptian Mummy
He was shooting dice with Big Foot off Uncle Fester’s rather large tummy
They said it was worth enquiring with Count Von Dracula
But at this time of the year he holidays in Romania
The song played on as I continued my ghost hunt going for a flight one dark weekend in October
But by the time I finished my fucking online booking it was now one dark weekend in November!
I arrived in a Bucharest hotel looking for the Count
Only to receive a message saying he was low on blood and had to fly out
That was when I saw this vision in Wolford tights floating before me
My Ghostbusting days with clothes on were numbered it was plain to see
For it was the beautiful bewitching Miss Pohltergeist all along
Who’d been leading me to her hotel room with that Monster Mash song!
Ruaraidh Murray 31.10.15
My NYC Eskimo
My New York City Eskimo
She lives in an igloo knee deep in snow.
MacDougal Alley is the street address for post
She’ll be inside her igloo secretly spreading Nutella on toast.
She has jobs to do clearing the roof and a path
It keeps her warm until she has her hot bath.
The BBC says there’s polar bears picnicking on tourists in Central Park today
And woolie mammoths have stormed Wall Street so they also say.
The 2016 Snow Storm is a record year
But nothing stops my NYC Eskimo and her beautiful rear.
I’m sending her this red rose message through the white powder snow
And I shall follow to get under the covers with my Eskimo. Moosh my huskies! NYC here we go!
Ruaraidh Murray 24.01.16
Elizabeth Street Valentine
My Valentine lives up there on Elizabeth Street
She wants to know if the heating will work again by next Trick or Treat?
Some fucker put a dead rat in her mail box
Unless a suicidal rat knows how to pick locks
There’s no other tenants living in the stair
They moved out when their holey Long Johns pleaded “now wash me with care!”
Back down below they’re celebrating Chinese New Year on the Nolita street
Mr Chinaman I’d like to make a wish and send a kiss to my girl upstairs with the lil feet
I wish for her heating to come back on real soon
So she can lie in bed warm at night and think of her man in the moon
But if the boiler is bust till kingdom come
Don’t worry! My love will keep you warm my Valentine like sailor’s rum.
And I will walk down Elizabeth Street calling out your name to every door one by one
Then knock on yours three times and we’ll head off to find hot sand, sea and sun.
Ruaraidh Murray 08.02.16
A Street Gutter Named Atlantic
It’s raining here in old London Town
I’m having trouble washing away this frown
The puddles are splashing like King Arthurs crown, the Victorian gutters are full
The bus conductor is joking as the cockney kids come home from school
My pink suede shoes have miraculously stayed dry
As the millions of water bombs do their best to get me from way up high
Your black suede shoes wait impatiently in the cupboard on Merlin St for my pinks to return home
They fit perfectly inside those size 11s of mine, happy as a dog with a bone
These window panes don’t look the same as they do in New York City
Where is that girl who lies on my chest, purring, smelling sweet and lookin real pretty
I’m gonna make a big boat out of paper and smile as I sail out into the Atlantic gutter.
If I beat the rush hour I should be on Elizabeth St in time for your next supper.
Ruaraidh Murray 22.04.16
That summer of 88 when we were 13
That summer when we wanted to be casuals
Lacoste, Armani, Chevignon, Chippy
Dodging the hard cunts, wideos, plan old psychos
Girls that we’d just met at Broughton high school
Boobs, bums, a finger and a hand job in the back row of the Dominion cinema.
Laughing and joking,
The older boys starting us smoking in Scotland Yard
Erasure, Pet Shop Boys, Acid House from London
The sun was out every day and we hang out becoming best friends
Swapping clothes, swapping trainers
Talking about what we were gonna do after we left school
Then you stole from my mum
I kept your Armani scarf to sell
You smashed my windows on Scotland Street
I smashed my fists off your face in that school fight round the back
The older boys were there all watching
I was delivered to the headmasters office alone.
I didn’t ever really see you again.
I heard you passed away the other day
Back down at your home down Water of Leith way
I’m a man now so they say. It’s 2016.
Another summer’s coming.
You lie down now and don’t worry no more.
I heard you had a tough time out there.
I was so sorry to hear the news.
I was shocked, sad, shed tears.
I remember all of us laughing in Inverleith Park, there was so many of us then.
The sun shinning on our young faces and the smiles that we all had that summer.
Ruaraidh Murray 27.05.16
My Girl has moved out of Elizabeth Street today
Put her belongings into storage for another day
She’s eating a cookie on a stoop
Wondering if it’ll crumble or droop
She’s leaving town for a month or two
To a country where it’s so cold your ass turns blue
The foods awful, the weather’s even worse
They speak a funny English and wait till you hear them curse
My girl will tell them a story about about a Turkish horror movie
Including Stephen Baldwin jumping into a potato sack acting kind of spooky
The audience will laugh, they may even cry a few tears
For one hour I guarantee they’ll forget all their worst fears
My girl was sad she moved out of Elizabeth Street finally today
But when she returns to NYC she’ll have the pick of any avenue and happy there she’ll stay.
Ruaraidh Murray 12.07.16
Can I walk with you up this desert hill for a while?
Hope you don’t mind my Cowboy boots and orange G-string headband style.
They say it won’t take us long to get to the very top
I have plenty old jokes to keep us going, I’ll shut up when you want me to stop.
If you want to walk in front I can’t promise I won’t stare at your rear
It is really beautiful, the bulge in my pants makes that fact quite clear.
When you get to the peak of the hill you might see a Scottish red fox
His heart will be pounding, he already loves everything about you, including your lil odd socks.
Can you see a short cut through the Mojava to Las Vegas from way up here?
I hear your New Jersey story and laugh but I wanna wipe away your hidden Manhattan tear.
I’ll carry you all the way back down to the carpark if you would like
Then I’ll drive you to a place called Forget-Me-Not through the night.
Ruaraidh Murray 06.10.16
The Tunnel of Love
I chip chip away
Through this lonely tunnel night after day
My Roberts radio keeps me company playing Lionel Ritchie and Johnny Cash hits
The free range chicken served down here certainly doesn’t give me the shits!
The tunnel seems endless going on on forever and ever
I make up stories to entertain myself using characters with names like ‘Wee Davie Glover’
They say there’s a promised land somewhere at the other end
An old miner’s bird tweets in my ear, “It’s just round the bend.”
Sometimes ice cold water floods the tunnel good and proper
Then elephants arrive to suck it up and block the hole with an Everlasting Gobstopper
One day the string of 70 Watt light bulbs goes completely out
Me and the three blind mice can’t see a single hand in front of a single snout
But then we hear a voice singing softly from the other side
The monkeys in my stomach say there’s a turn in the tide
A chink of golden light appears in the pitch dark
I see a beautiful lass beacon me on to play soccer in a park
Some say there is an Angel of Harlem but my ones in Astoria
Gangway tunnel! I coming through to kiss her. It’s been a long way from Victoria.
Ruaraidh Murray 10.05.17
Lucky Lucie Pohl
Jumping naked off the top diving board
You certainly won’t be ignored
Being the first of the circus into the ring
To tame the lion, I swear I can hear Johnny Cash sing
And so to the burning ring of fire
This daredevil keeps her cool as the flames get higher
Michael Jackson wouldn’t ever contain his love for Billy Jean
And nothings gonna stop her do her dance so mean
Michael have you heard of Lucie Pohl from Greene Street?
It’s her first night tonight, can you hear her heart beat?
I thought you, Johnny and Elvis would want to tell her to “knock em dead!”
This show’s gonna be bigger than Nero’s head!
It’ll will make you laugh your ass off
It even has David Hasselhoff!
And so Michael, Johnny and Elvis take their front row seats tonight in heaven
To see lucky Lucie Pohl jump naked off the top diving board an hour after seven!
First Night – Hi, Hitler – The Cherry Lane Theatre
July 11, 2017
Walking on the beaches looking at the peaches
After the storm her hair was a mess
Everything was dirty except her favourite purple dress
Her sweet dreams were stuck in the nightmare of the storm
Her wicked alarm clock forbid her to remain under the covers, safe and warm
So she left the far off land of Astoria, where Victorian MTA trains and worn out tracks have forgotten how to get to
Got on a bus with her juiceless phone, looking for a lonely plug, while rummaging for her matchmaking cable to romantically connect the two
“All aboard, let’s go!” The New York original driver, from behind his shades, called out
The bus pulled away from the city as the girl waved goodbye and a bum gave out a shout
“That’s my word son!” “Pah! Pah! Pah!”
Before he enjoyed someone else’s chicken masala.
The girl aka Lil Bo Peep was already fast asleep
Even before she could count her first sheep
She was now dreaming of a golden Long Island beach
As her fella wrote about her beautiful peach.
Ruaraidh Murray 02.08.17